The Ultimate Collection Of
Over 300
Good Halloween Jokes
(there's a
lot of really bad ones out there)
| Past Winner Of The Crapco Comedy Central Site Of The Week Award |
Please e-mail your favorite Halloween
jokes to add to the collection.
|
|
|
The Ultimate Collection of Good HALLOWEEN
JOKES |
| 1. Q - What is a vampire's least favorite meal? A - Stake !! 2. Q - What do vampires enjoy most about baseball? 3. Q - What kind of toothpaste do vampires buy? 4. Q - What does a monster wear when it rains? 5. Q - How did the monster predict his future? 6. Q - What did the monster do when he lost his hand? 7. Q - Why wouldn't the skeleton cross the road? 8. Q - What are a spook's two favorite rides at the fair? 9. Q - What happened to the vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more? 10. Q - What is a vampires favorite holiday? 11. Q - What four things do monsters enjoy eating on Halloween? 12. Q - What two famous places did the monster visit while on his vacation? 13. Q - What is in the red blood cells of monsters? 14. Q - What spook lives in the "hundred acre wood"? 15. Q - Who did the boy monster take to the Halloween dance? 16. Q - Where do ghosts keep their cars? 17. Q - What is the hardest thing to sell to a mummy? 18. Q - How do you keep a skeleton from laughing? 19. Q - What is a vampire's favorite fruit? 20. Q - Why didn't the wraith win at poker? 21. Q - What performers do vampires enjoy the most at the circus? 22. Q - What do spooks call their Navy? 23. Q - What do you call a mummy who eats cookies in bed? 24. Q - Why do Casper's phone bills tend to be so high each month? 25. Q - Who was the smartest monster maker? 26. Q - What two types of music do mummies like best? 27. Q - Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance? 28. Q - What do ghosts enjoy for lunch? 29. Q - What does Dracula always say to his victims afterwards? 30. Q - What flies through the night, has a black cape, and bites people? 31. Q - What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say? 32. Q - What kind of ghosts haunt skyscrapers? 33. Q - What do they call the heaviest female phantom? 34. Q - When does a ghost need a license? 35. Q - What is a vampire's favorite sport? 36. Q - What kind of mistakes do ghosts make? 37. Q - What rule does a polite little ghost always obey? 38. Q - What is a vampire's favorite flavor of ice cream? 39. Q - Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting? 40. Q - In what room of the house would you never find a ghost? 41. Q - What kind of candy won't a ghost ever touch? 42. Q - What do ghosts say when they hear great jokes like these? 43.
Q - Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when
they're angry? 44. Q - What kind of car do ghosts drive? 45. Q - What is a ghost's favorite type of pasta? 46. Q - Why was the student vampire tired in the morning? 47. Q - What did they call the female broom rider after she crash landed on the beach? 48. Q - What time is it when ghosts haunt your house? 49. Q - What does a witch use to keep her hair in place when she flies? 50. Q - What kind of Halloween monster can clear a table full of food in only 10
seconds? 51. Q - What kind of gum do ghosts like? 52. Q - What do you get if you divide the circumference of your jack-o'-lantern by its
diameter? 53. Q - How do you know a vampire is getting a cold? 54. Q - What famous giant ghost monster battled King Kong? 55. Q - What is a vampire's favorite breed of dog? 56. Q - Why didn't Dracula ever get married? 57. Q - What do ghosts always order at McDonalds? 58. Q - Why did the skeleton cross the road? 59. Q - What has one wheel and gets 10 miles to a gallon of plasma? 60. Q - Why did Frankenstein's monster go to a psychiatrist? 61. Q - What do you call a dumb skeleton? 62. Q - What did one ghost say to the other ghost? 63. Q - What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf? 64. Q - How do ghosts get through locked doors? 65. Q - Why do ghosts eat only the finest quality health food? 66. Q - What TV show do all ghosts love to watch? 67. Q - What hotel chain do all werewolves like to patronize? 68. Q - What city do vampires love to visit? 69. Q - What magazine do ghosts love to read? 70. Q - What are werewolf's favorite tunes? 71. Q - What is the favorite drink of overweight vampires? 72. Q - Why do vampires tend to make great artists? 73. Q - How do you fix a broken jack-o'-lantern. 74. Q - Why do vampires always use mouthwash after every meal? 75. Q - What did the skeleton say after he fell into the pond? 76. Q - Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad? 77. Q - What is a ghost's favorite subject in high school? 78. Q - How big was Dr. Frankenstein's castle? 79. Q - What is a werewolf's favorite holiday? 80. Q - What is Shakespeare's ghost's favorite saying? 81. Q - Where do vampires go to deposit their savings? 82. Q - What kind of horse does a ghost ride? 83. Q - What do you get if you remove the insides of a hotdog? 84. Q - What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost when they got into the car? 85. Q - How do you help chickens that are possessed by evil spirits? 86. Q - What type of make-up do witches use? 87. Q - What is a ghost's favorite throwing toy? 88. Q - How can you spot a vampire jockey? 89. Q - Why aren't vampires good gamblers? 90. Q - What did the bartender say to the vampire? 91. Q - What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? 92. Q - When does Dracula relax at work? 93. Q - Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike? 94. Q - What kind of tests do they give in witch school? 95. Q - Who belongs to the monster PTA? 96. Q - What is a monster's favorite type of necklace? 97. Q - Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? 98. Q - How does a ghost celebrate New Year's Eve? 99. Q - What is a ghost's "golden rule"? 100. Q - What did the teacher ghost say to his boo-ology students after they all earned
A's? 101. Q - Why wouldn't the vampire crawl back into his coffin at sunrise? 102. Q - What games do little ghosts like to play? 103. Q - What did the monster eat after the dentist pulled his tooth? 104. Q - What does a cow say to scare away a ghost? 105. Q - What type of coffee do vampires prefer? 106. Q - How does a witch travel when she doesn't have a broom? 107. Q - Who do vampires invite to family reunions? 108. Q - What flowers do monsters like? 109. Q - What do you get if you cross a monster with an owl? 110. Q - What do you call a monster that has been locked in a freezer all night? 111. Q - Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain? 112. Q - Why do witches fly on brooms? 113. Q - How does a monster count to 33? 114. Q - What do you call two witches who live together? 115. Q - What did the detective say when he solved the case of the missing mummy? 116. Q - What do ghosts sing to each other on their birthday? 117. Q - How many vampires
does it take to change a light bulb? 118. Q - Why did the skeleton learn to ride a horse? 119. Q - Where do ghosts go for their summer vacation? 120. Q - What do you call a fat orange squash on October 31st? 121. Q - What disease causing infectious agent shows up every Halloween? 122. Q - What kind of streets do ghosts like to live on? 123. Q - How does a friendly dog greet you on Halloween? 124. Q - Why is there always a fence around a cemetery? 125. Q - What do you call the far out, radical relatives of a squash on Halloween? 126. Q - What do birds sing on Halloween? 127. Q - Why do witches tend to make great authors? 128. Q - How do you make a witch faint? 129. Q - Why did the ghost want to join the Army? 130. Q - What did the hobo vampire say to the rich man? 131. Q - Why did the ghost become a sailor? 132. Q - What famous financial saying was written on Halloween? 133. Q - What did Dracula say to Wolfman after introducing his new girlfriend? 134. Q - Why did the monster eat the tight-rope walker? 135. Q - Who is the Mummy's favorite actor? 136. Q - What subject do all witches do best at in school? 137. Q - Why did the monster fail his math class? 138. Q - What do you get when you cross a vampire with a cow? 139. Q - Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested? 140. Q - Why did the vampire quit the baseball team? 141. Q - Why do mummies go to school? 142. Q - Why did the teacher send the vampire to the principal's office? 143. Q - Why did the black cat have a hard time living with the twin witches? 144. Q - What is the best way to talk to a monster? 145. Q - How do ghosts earn points in a football game? 146. Q - Is it true that a vampire can't hurt you if you're carrying a torch? 147. Q - What is a ghoul's favorite fast food meal? 148. Q - What do ghosts like to do for recreation in their spare time? 149. Q - Why do ghosts shiver and moan? 150. Q - Where do ghosts like to go swimming? 151. Q - What is a ghost's favorite species of bird? 152. Q - How can you make a witch scratch? 153. Q - How much does a truck full of bones weigh? 154. Q - What do ghosts say on February 14th? 155. Q - Why do werewolves make great golfers? 156. Q - After the new horror movie had its screen debut what did the vampire Master of
Ceremonies say? 157. Q - What are a skeleton's favorite two instruments? 158. Q - Why was the mummy such a great tackler on the monster football team? 159. Q - Why are all male vampires related to each other? 160. Q - What do baby ghosts wear? 161. Q - What do baby ghosts wear on their feet? 162. Q - Why do all baby bats start out hanging upside down? 163. Q - What kind of bats know how to spell? 164. Q - Why did the skeleton stop gambling? 165. Q - What train car do the ghosts always prefer to ride in? 166. Q - What do French trick or treaters say when they get their treats? 167. Q - How do little ghosts get to school? 168. Q - What kind of key will unlock the front door of a haunted house? 169. Q - What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost when he asked her to dance? 170. Q - What do you call a skeleton that lays around all day? 171. Q - What Halloween mammal likes to play baseball? 172. Q - Why do ghosts make such lousy sports fans? 173. Q - What city do witches always pick for their annual convention? 174. Q - What is Dracula's favorite board game? 175. Q - What do baby ghosts say when they run out of Halloween candy? 176. Q - What did the ghost-surfer say when he got back to shore after riding a big
wave? 177. Q - Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? 178. Q - What does a monster call a girl with 3 heads? 179. Q - Why do ghosts always starch their sheets? 180. Q - Why did the ghost go to the doctor? 181. Q - What do you use to erase a ghost? 182. Q - Why was the little ghost sent to his room before dinner was over? 183. Q - What is a ghost's favorite position in which to relax? 184. Q - Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? 185. Q - Why did dracula lose the baseball game? 186. Q - Who greets you at the door of a haunted house? 187. Q - What's a monster's favorite song? 188. Q - What does a vampire say when he thinks he's in trouble? 189. Q - How do witches tell time? 190. Q - Why do witches prefer to live in hotels? 191. Q - Who do monsters always buy their cookies from? 192. Q - Why do mummies make good spies? 193. Q - What do a vampire and false teeth have in common? 194. Q - What kind of witch likes to keep the lights off at night? 195. Q - What are a ghost's two favorite colors? 196. Q - What Halloween character keeps time for the whole world? 197. Q - For what crime are ghosts most often sent to jail? 198. Q - What song do little ghosts sing in kindergarten? 199. Q - What did the guard out in front of the haunted house say when he saw the
spirit approaching? 200. Q - Why don't skeletons like to eat spicy food? 201. Q - What is a ghost’s favorite flavor of soda pop? 202. Q - What do you call a ghost with a broken arm? 203. Q - What did the cow do after she ate all the pumpkins in the pumpkin patch? 204. Q - What did the skeleton ask for when he walked up to the concession stand at the
game? 205. Q - What's a monster's favorite Shakespeare play? 206. Q - How can you tell if a vampire is lazy? 207. Q - How does a girl vampire flirt? 208. Q - How can you tell if your chicken house is haunted? 209. Q - How do you start a ghostly computer? 210. Q - What tool does a vampire dentist use to pull teeth? 211. Q - What kind of vehicle does Dr. Frankenstein like to drive? 212. Q - What do skeletons say before they begin dining? 213. Q - Where do baby ghosts go during the day while their parents are at work? 214. Q - What would you get if you crossed a werewolf with a vampire? 215. Q - What does a werewolf put on before he goes to the beach? 216. Q - What do you get if you cross a mummy with a vampire? 217. Q - How did the vampire stay alive when there was no source of blood in the area? 218. Q - What monster likes to fly kites in rain storms? 219. Q - What did they call Bambi after he became a ghost? 220. Q - What do you call a haunted chicken? 221.
Q - Why did the monster eat a fluorescent bulb? 222. Q - What kind of cereal do monsters eat? 223. Q - What kind of monster is safe to put in a washing machine? 224. Q - What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack? 225. Q - What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 226. Q - Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? 227. Q - Why do vampires drink blood? 228. Q - Why do vampires try never to bite people who are sleeping? 229. Q - Where do vampires prefer to go to eat lunch? 230. Q - What songs do you never hear vampires singing? 231. Q - Why are people afraid to have anything to do with vampires? 232. Q - What's soft, moldy and flies? 233. Q - What happens to a ghost when he gets lost in the fog? 234. Q - What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? 235. Q - What kind of neck-wear does a ghost sport at a formal party? 236. Q - Why are ghosts always such great musicians? 237. Q - Where do ghosts prefer to go shopping when they need a new sheet? 238. Q - Where do the ghosts of dead surfers go to haunt? 239. Q - How do you mail a letter to a haunted house? 240. Q - Who was the most famous ghost detective? 241. Q - Whom did the ghost invite to his party? 242. Q - Why did the alcoholic ghost avoid going into the haunted bar? 243. Q - Who was the most famous witch detective? 244. Q - What did the skeleton give his girl on Valentine's Day? 245. Q - Who was the most famous French skeleton? 246. Q - Who was the most famous skeleton detective? 247. Q - Who won the "Miss Ghostly" beauty contest? 248. Q - How do mummies hide? 249. Q - Where do ghosts prefer to go for a swim? 250. Q - Why don't mummies like to take vacations? 251. Q - Why did the mummy take the stress reduction class? 252. Q - Why do witches prefer to raise evil chickens? 253. Q - Where do most werewolves live? 254. Q - What happened to the monster children who ate
all their vegetables? 255. Q - What happens when a flying witch breaks the
sound barrier? 256. Q
- How do mummies begin their letters? 257. Q - What kind of protozoa like Halloween? 258. Q - What kind of math do ghosts do best? 259. Q - What type of music do ghosts prefer? 260. Q - What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door
salesman? 261. Q -
Why don't witches like to stay home on weekends? 262. Q - How can you tell that Dr
Frankenstein had a good sense of humor? 263. Q - What did the mother ghost say to the baby
ghost? 264. Q - What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby
Vampire? 265. Q - What do witches make great baseball players? 266. Q - Which story do all little witches love to hear
at bedtime? 267. Q - Why are so few ghosts ever arrested? 268. Q - What did the little ghost have in his rock
collection? 269. Q - What does a vampire fear most? 270. Q - Why is Transylvania so famous? 271. Q - What happened to the guy who couldn't pay off
his exorcist? 272. Q - What do you call a young skeleton? 273. Q - What do skeletons like to eat? 274. Q - What is a skeleton's favorite color? 275. Q - What do skeletons have nightmares of? 276. Q - What does a ghost eat for dinner? 277. Q - Why did the baby vampire bat wake up screaming? 278. Q - What kind of tape do you use on Halloween? 279. Q - What do naughty ghosts use in school? 280.
Q - How do you know if a ghost is lying? 281. Q - What kind of pets do ghosts have? 282. Q - What room can't a ghost go in? 283. Q - What do you get when you cross a witch with a
clown? 284. Q - Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? 285. Q - What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? 286. Q - What's a vampire's favorite fast food? 287. Q - Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall
Street Journal? 288. Q - Do monsters like to eat popcorn with their fingers? A - No, they prefer to eat fingers separately. 289. Q - Why did they boy go to the Holloween party with a sheet on his head? A - He wanted to go as an unmade bed! 290. Q - Why did they boy go to the Holloween party with a sheet on his head? A - He wanted to go as an undercover agent! 291. Q - What happened when the girl, who was dressed as a spoon, left the Halloween party? A - No one moved, they couldn�t stir without her! 292. Q - Why did the ghost go to the hospital? A - To have his ghoul stones removed! 293. Q - How do skeletons call their friends? A - On the telebone! 294. Q - Who are some of the werewolf�s cousins? A - The whatwolves and the whenwolves! 295. Q - Why are black cats such good singers? A - Because they are very mewsical! 296. Q - How can you tell when haunted house windows are scared? A - They get the shudders! 297. Q - What do you call serious rocks? A - Grave stones! 298. Q - Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience? A - She had to give a screech! 299. Q - How do ghosts fly from one city to another? A - By scareplane! 300. Q - What is a ghoul�s favorite breakfast cereal? A - Rice Creepies! 301. Q - What directions did the ghost give to the goblin? A - �Make a fright turn at he coroner� 302. Q - What do birds give out on Halloween? A - Tweets! 303. Q - What do people who dressed up as trees on Halloween say? A - Twig or Treat! 304. Q - What do goblins mail home while on vacation? A - Ghostcards! 305. Q - Why did the mummy keep his band-aids in the refrigerator? A - He wanted to serve them later to his friends as cold cuts! 306. Q - How does a ghost like his eggs cooked? A - Terrorfried! 307. Q - How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? A - Only one, but she changes it into a frog! 308. Q - Who was the skeleton in the closet? A - The winner of last year�s hide and seek contest! 309. Q - What kind of ghost likes to play cards? A - A pokergeist (poltergeist) 310. Q - Why was the boy unhappy to win 1st prize for the best costume at the Halloween party? A - Because he had just come to pick up his sister! 311. Q - What were the names of the little monster�s parents? A - Mummy and Deady! 312. Q - How does a lady vampire flirt? A - She �bats� her eyes! 313. Q - Why wasn�t there any food left over after the Halloween costume party? A - Because everyone was a ghoblin! 314. Q - What do you get if you scan a photo of Dracula into your computer? A - A Mega-byte ! 315. Q - Where do the skeleton's get their mail? A - At the dead-letter-office ! 316. Q - What is white and serves hors d'oeuvres? A - Casper the Friendly Host. 317. Q- What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A - Frankenfurters with ketchup!318. Q - What will you get if you cross a rabbit with a wolf?
A - You'd get a Harewolf!
319. Q - What does a ghost get when he drinks an energy drink?
A - He gets a BOOST !
320. Q - What is the Adobe Flash animation tool preferred by all skeletons?
A - They prefer the "Bone" tool !
321. Q - What do you call a ghost who only haunts the Town Hall?
A - A nightmayor!
322. Q - What happened to the ghost who went to a party?
A - He had a wail of a time.
323. Q - Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard?
A - He wanted to be the Chief In-Spectre!
324. Q - Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
A - Ghouldilocks!
325. Q - What is the only weight class in the ghost boxing league?
A - The phantomweights!
326. Q - Why are the biggest parties always held at the funeral home?
A - The funeral director always says; "The morgue the merrier" !
327. Q - What is the favorite tool used by haunted house builders?
A - The spirit level.
328. Q - What is a ghost's favorite Old West town?
A - Tombstone.
329. Q - What sort of violin do ghosts prefer to play?
A - A genuine Dreadivarius.
330. Q - Which day of the week do ghosts do their best haunting on?
A - They always choose Moandays.
Please send in your own "BEST" ! |
